You're Not Average - How to Stop Trying So Hard to Be Average

Have you ever looked up an average and compared yourself to it?

We all have. As a researcher, I can spout off a lot of average statistics from memory. But I just finished a new book titled, "The End of Average: How We Succeed in a World That Values Sameness," by Todd Rose. In it he argues that we have become a society of averagarians. We're constantly comparing ourselves and others to the 'average.' We compare average salaries, average age of marriage, averages on standardized tests, average levels of happiness - the list goes on and on.

You are not average and no one else is either.

Dr. Rose spells out both the history and mathematical equations behind averages. It is actually very, very rare to fit the average. That doesn't seem to make sense, does it? Averages are supposed to represent everyone. But really, they represent no one. Take the average body, for example. Maybe your height is the average for your age, but your weight is far from it. Many dimensions make up the 'average body' that are impossible to be average on every aspect.

And it isn't just about being a special snowflake.

At first this might sound like the now classic way we've been teaching children that they are all unique and everyone is a special snowflake!  But it's not. While we have been saying that for decades now, we haven't actually been living it. We love averages and comparing students based on rank order and sameness. As a society, we look at grade point averages to get into college and degrees completed to be hired. But instead of pretending to value uniqueness, Dr. Rose argues we need to truly embrace it and stop comparing ourselves to a non-existent average.

There are three principles to help you focus on your individuality.

First, recognize that you have a lot of talent that doesn't fit into little boxes (the "jaggedness principle"). Maybe you weren't an A student in school and that has led to you to think you're 'below average.' But being an A student wasn't all there was to school. What did you enjoy? What were you good at? Maybe you rocked one class and excelled in that. There were sports and friends and clubs too. Make a list of your talents - anything and everything.

Second, stop calling yourself titles that don't really exist (the "context principle"). We love to go around saying things like, "I'm an introvert." And that leads us to excluding ourselves from opportunities where we could strive. Are you truly always acting introverted in every situation? Probably not. A lot of what we do is context dependent. So it depends on the situation you are in. My students are great at this. They act one way in the classroom and if I see them walking across, talking to friends, they appear to be acting in a completely different way.  Of course! We all are different depending on the context. Don't let it limit you.

Third, stop believing in one path (the "pathways principle").  Too often I hear people say, "And so I'll go to college, graduate, get a good paying job, get married, buy a house..." The list goes on to follow some perfectly packaged path. But does anyone truly follow an average pathway? Nope. Todd Rose himself was a high school dropout who ended up with a Ph.D. from Harvard. That's definitely unique. You too have a unique story. Own it.

Using these principles will help you break free from trying to fit an average.

I know I need to work on remembering these principles after reading the book. I highly recommend the book or his TEDx Talk (if you have 20 minutes to spare, but not hours). Based on what I have said so far, what do you think? How can you use these principles in your own life? Share it in the comments or connect with me. Let's hear your story!

5 Books to Read Right Now for Self Improvement

Self improvement books are one of my favorite things to read and share. It is almost a guarantee that if someone asks me about a particular topic, I have a book to recommend. And for friends and family, if it is close to a holiday, I am probably buying the book for them. Cue the eye rolling from my sisters when another Amazon package shows up on their doorstep.

Here on the blog I want to share my top recommendations for self improvement books to read right now. Choose one that you find appealing and dive right in. I recommend these books because they are based on current research and/or written by experts in their respective fields.

The How of Happiness by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky

I read this book as part of a women's happiness group in graduate school. The author is an expert in the field and writes about happiness a friendly, easy to read way. At the same time, she does not sugarcoat happiness or guarantee that you will be happy all the time after reading this book. Instead, she includes action steps for each of the ways to improve happiness. So you can jump right in and implement a strategy into your life. Absolutely a must read if you have any interest in understanding happiness!

Living Forward by Michael Hyatt and Daniel Harkavy

This is a new book that I just finished myself. The theme of reflection and writing to your future self has really taken off in the past couple of years. In this book, the authors provide a strategy for considering where you want your life to go in the future. You start with the end in mind by writing your eulogy (a favorite exercise among developmental scientists) and create action plans to work towards life fulfillment. It is a short little book that requires a lot of homework, but well worth it.

Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen Rubin is one of my favorite people of all time - I have seen her speak (in person) twice. This is her latest book, which really delves into a lot of research about how to become a better version of yourself. She breaks down the four tendencies, or categories of behaviors that tend to explain how we operate on a daily basis. Read the book so you can reflect on your own tendencies and how the people in your life have similar or different tendencies. Me - I'm totally an "upholder!"

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

When people want to change or improve their lives, sometimes they forget the basics. We don't usually need radical changes in our lives. We need to adjust our habits. Charles Duhigg explores habits and tells relevant stories throughout the book to help us understand how we use habits everyday. I have found the more consistent my habits, the easier it is to be creative.

Mindset by Dr. Carol Dweck

The science of mindsets has almost made its way into mainstream media, but not quite yet. Do you know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset? Dr. Dweck is the leading researcher in the field and she breaks it down in a friendly way in her book.  Without the belief that you can change and grow, it is nearly impossible to make upward progress.

So that's my short list for now. Which one do you want to read? Or have you already read one of these and loved it? Do you have another recommendation for me? Leave a comment below so we can talk about books!