All this advice giving is interrupting my relationships
I give too much advice and I'm going to stop. Well, probably not actually. But I'm becoming more aware of when I do it.
I did it to my friend, Amelia today. We're on Zoom, catching up. She's the mom of a newborn, talking about how her daughter has been fussy the past couple of nights. And I ask, "Did you have to change your diet?"
The words spilled out of me without even thinking. I didn't pause. I said the words before I even recognized them.
She went on to explain that she looked it up and she doesn't need to change what she's eating. We've been friends for over a decade, so it didn't even phase her that I asked the question. She's seen the raw, unedited judgmental Caitlin more times than I can count.
We did then shift to a good conversation about why we do this to parents. Especially new parents. Now, I do have a Ph.D. in Human Development with a specialization in Child and Adolescent Development. But so does Amelia. We went to graduate school together. We took almost every class together. She's one of the smartest people I know. Was I assuming she hadn't Googled everything about the topic already? Was I also assuming, that as a woman who hasn't given birth or raised a newborn, I have an answer for her?
She didn't even ask me what to do. Or for a recommendation. She was conveying her daily news. She wanted me to hear her at that moment. She wanted me to see her at that moment. She has a fussy baby and she wanted to share. Period. Full stop. I plowed right through that moment because I wasn't present. I was already thinking about what to say.
By the way, I say that without wrapping up in my shame blanket. That kind of self-reflection used to send me right into a corner in my head, blaming and judging myself. Believing that I'm a bad friend and people don't like me. I don't let my brain go there as much anymore. I'm becoming okay with pointing at parts of myself I'd like to examine. So if you were thinking, "Aww, don't beat yourself up, cheer up," right now - stay with me. You're falling right into the same trap I'm discussing here.
We all do this to each other. And I do it more than others with the extra education degrees and the tendency as a teacher. I cover it up with the thought, "I'm being helpful." But I spend most of my days without people asking for my help. Especially family and friends. I'm learning how to be myself again around them. To not have to fix anything for them. To not have to provide advice, be helpful, or put on a show.
Even when a loved one does ask me a question, there's an important moment there. My old tendency is to get excited and send them ALL THE THINGS. Let me tell you about 10 ways you could solve that problem. But what if I said one phrase and waited. See if lands. See if it makes sense. See if they ask a follow-up question. Stay with them, where they are, with what they want.
When it comes down to it, I'm learning how to be in the present moment again. Like a little kid. Present and listening, fully immersed in the intimate dynamic of people. Letting my conversations flow instead of interrupting them with advice.
So I'll ask you as a reader right now - can you relate?
